Ceaseless Productivity: Creating Out Of Fear

I have ideas. But then I set deadlines, I enforce unfair expectations and stipulations on my wants and goals. Why? I know it hurts. But who can make peace with the fact that we need rest? In a world full of demands and fast-paced change, the shame they drilled into you whispers in your ear, "You're lazy. You're a fraud. You'll never get where you want to be."

I struggle to rest when I need to. I push my body and spirit, and there come times where they push back. Unplanned absences and delayed posts are born from that. We put so much pressure on ourselves, pressure we wouldn't dream of putting on our loved ones. "I need to stick to a strict schedule or they'll think I'm unprofessional." "I should force myself to create for the brand." But do we need to? Should we? Spirituality isn't a commodity. Our skills, our talents, our gifts- the fact we ask for rightful compensation doesn't make them commercial wares. I never would demand from a thing I grow to force itself into bloom. Why do I ask it of myself?

Healing and shadow work became buzzwords, alongside #selfcare. Indulging habits you know are bad for a dose of instant gratification, with no regard for the future, became a trend. Perhaps it was the opposite side of the (toxic) positivity trend. People were encouraged to become painfully aware of everything that haunted them, but then… No comfort, no advice on how to work through those aches and fears, only self-proclaimed “healers” who, for the low price of $99.99 would magically make you healed. And people fought back, rightly so. But now more than ever, we need to show ourselves the same kindness and understanding we show the world. We need to face the pain we hold onto, not out of a helpless urge to dwell in it, but to move through and past it.

Too often I hear well-meaning folks say "You're not your pain." But there comes a time when you need to tell yourself "I experienced that pain. It happened to me." You need to accept yourself, and it, and say "It doesn't define me." It is important to heal, not to reach some indiscernible state of “healed” but to lessen the pain we carry.

Winter, with its few hours of precious sunlight and slow natural rhythm, invites us to look inward and honour who we are right now. Winter, unlike Spring, does not bring buds and shoots to the surface. Winter allows us to sit in the Dark, to discover and to address what we hide, even from ourselves. If you do not rest of your own accord, Winter will make you rest. It certainly made me. To be ambitious and set goals is no bad thing, but I was forcing myself to constantly be productive for the sake of appeasing algorithms and fostering engagement that may as well be hollow, on top of being a full time university student in the midst of exam season. I crashed. I was exhausted beyond words, both physically and spiritually. As I sat bedbound and full of sorrow, I asked myself why. Why do I create content? Why do I run a business? And why, why do I put so much pressure on myself to perform for an unseen judge? I do not share my knowledge or the teachings of my culture for gross profit. I do not offer my divination services to amass some inconceivable amount of wealth.

Spiritual growth isn’t marked by a follower count, a number of sales or how often one uploads.

No one is obligated to create. Creation is sacred, and no person deserves to feel forced to perform in order to appease the bottomless pit that is the hustler mentality. I value my wellbeing, and the wellbeing of my practice more than I do arbitrary numbers. It is through my path that I heal, dream and grow. It is my faith and beliefs that guide me. I feel divine when I create, and that shows in my work. If I feel pressured and forced, then what I make -if I make it at all- will be subpar. Through healing, we can reclaim creation for expression, creation for memory, creation for growth. Pouring dedication and love into what you make and share allows you to feel proud and learn. Shakily putting something together so you don’t “screw up” your upload schedule is giving into fear.

In the Year of the Tiger, let us be brave, and grow past our fear.